More quotes from The Simpsons: Eating with the Simpsons | Simpsons Eating Hot Dogs | Snacking with Simpsons | Lunch with the Simpsons | Eating Out with the Simpsons | Simpsons Eating Candy | Cooking with the Simpsons | Meat the Simpsons | Breakfast with the Simpsons
Monty Burns: Instead of beer, from now on you'll all be drinking this. It's a brain and nerve tonic, rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. Of course, it has been known to cause gigantism, but only in rare cases. Try some!
Ken Griffey Jr.: Wow, it's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited.
Homer Simpson: I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer Simpson: Oh ... well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
Umpire: OK, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. And then scoring, you have to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer after all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the 4th inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
Edna Krabappel: Oh, Superindendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored beverine?
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I take it grey, with creamium.
Bart: That's it. I'm blowing off the dance. This is the biggest thing that's happened to me since chocolate milk!
Milhouse: They've got chocolate milk now?
Homer Simpson: I just poured myself a glass of milk. The old one sat out for a while. Are you coming to bed?
Marge: It's 7:30.
Homer Simpson: I could stand here and argue with you. But then I'd have to get a new glass of milk.
Homer Simpson: Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Frank Grimes: God, he eats like a pig.
Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
Frank Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that he, he was hanging from a coat hook.
Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.
[Lenny enters Moe's and slams down his Isotopes cap.]
Lenny: Lousy isotopes. They're a disgrace to baseball.
Carl: They lost again?
Lenny: Um-hum. The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corpororation. Hey Moe, gimme a Duff.
[Moe pours Lenny a Duff and Lenny drinks it.]
Lenny: Oh yeah, sweet Duff.
Carl: Wait a minute ... Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when?
Moe: They bought 'em a year ago from the mafia. It was the last of the family-owned teams.
H. K. Duff VIII: All this barging into rooms marked "Private" must've made you thirsty. Would you like a beer?
Homer Simpson: Well, OK. But you can't silence Homer Simpson. I'm the friend of the down-trodden. And I'm not gonna forget what I saw here today.
H. K. Duff VIII: Of course not.
[Hits the intercom button.]
H. K. Duff VIII: Duff Man, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff?
Duff Man: Ooooo yeah!
H. K. Duff VIII: Now Homer, we've developed this additive that makes beer super, super malty. Care to try?
Homer Simpson: Wait a minute. Will this erase my memory?
H. K. Duff VIII: No, not at all.
[H. K. pours additive into beer can.]
[Duff Man walks up to Homer and injects something into his arm with a syringe, and Homer faints.]
[H. K. drinks the beer.]
H. K. Duff VIII: Man, that is malty.
Homer Simpson: Now what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor at the World Trade Center: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Homer Simpson: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.
Seymour Skinner: Care for a milk?
Martin: No thank you.
Seymour Skinner: Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.
Martin: I'll have that milk now.
Seymour Skinner: Easy there, that's whole milk.
Martin's dad: I'm a private citizen now. I can drink what I like. You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore.
John: Oh, the color schema and the rabbit ears! And the 2.3 children, I mean where's the Hi-C?
[Lisa walks out of the kitchen with a snack tray.]
Lisa: Hi-C and fluffernutters!
Selma Bouvier: Oooh, this looks like fun. A bench! Kids, get wadda ya say you go get your aunt Selma a beer smoothie?
Costington's salesman: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my Shasta.
Milhouse: I don't understand this game, Bart. How come we have to rake your lawn while you just get to sit there?
Bart: Because I'm it. Now, whoever finishes first gets lemonade.
[Ralph and Milhouse scream yay!]
Bart: For me.
Milhouse: Later, when we wash his bike, I'm not gonna do a good job.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm telling Mr. Bart!
Kent Brockman: Tragedy climbed a ladder last night as 10-year-old Bart Simpson was snatched from his bed, his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends.
Homer Simpson: I invented a popsicle made of Mountain Dew.
Moe: Wow Homer, I ain't had front-row seats since since my Moonie wedding.
Homer Simpson: And after the show you can go backstage for pizza and pop.
Carl: Now that's a winning combination!
Chief Wiggum: Lou, do you see what happens when my coffee comes back cold?
[Lou is locked up in a jail cell.]
Lou the Cop: Chief, you ordered an ice coffee.
Chief Wiggum: No, I said a nice coffee. Nice.
Homer Simpson: Ah, family trip with the family bartender. What could be better?
[Moe fills a mug with Duff and slides it to Homer.]
Moe: How's it going, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Lousy. I've gotta go to Vermont for some stupid poetry thing.
[Homer sips the beer.]
Marge: Homer, don't drink and drive!
Homer Simpson: Fine, I'll drive between sips.
[Homer alternates beteen driving a few feet and sipping his Duff.]
Homer Simpson: They got an open bar at this thing, right?
Monty Burns: Smithers, we can make a fortune on these bible pictures. And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.
Cletus: Hey kids, the plow mule done birthed a girl critter. Younguns, this here girl has come from Fairyland to school y'all. Now if you need me, I'll be on the porch drinking Thompson's Water Seal.
Milhouse: Right on time. Grape soda, shaken, not stirred
[Bart and Milhouse discover Springfield's ancient subway and go for a ride, causing the whole town to shake, including two Squishee machines ready to topple at Kwik-E-Mart.]
Apu: Which flavor do I save? The Radical Red or the Blue Berry Blast? Oh, curse this Squishee's choice.
Lenny: Oh my gosh, we won. We won the Springfield lottery.
Moe: That's 200 grand! That's 50,000 bucks each!
Carl: Guys, guys, we gotta celebrate. Throw a raging party. I'll cash the ticket. Homer, Homer you get the food.
Homer Simpson: I'll get mini-Dumpsters of wings from Garbage Wings!
Moe: And Lenny, you get the drinks.
Lenny: But we're already at a bar.
Moe: No, no ... that's just gasoline and hot dog water.
[Police dog Santa's Little Helper finds Bart's frisbee in his locker while searching for his snake.]
Lou the Cop: You miss him, don't you?
Chief Wiggum: Lou, he's gotta get over it. I miss Shamrock Shakes, but they ain't coming back till March.
Lou the Cop: You know Chief, Shamrock Shakes are just vanilla shakes colored green.
Chief Wiggum: I taste the flavor. It's a very mild mint.
Lou the Cop: Well, maybe 'cause it's a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue.
Chief Wiggum: I know what I taste.
Officer Eddie: I gotta go with Chief on this one.
Officer Lou: Whoa, there's a big surprise.
Chief Wiggum: Hey Lou, what's your favorite thing in the world, so I can dump all over that?
[Movie producers surround Homer asking to buy rights to his movie piracy story.]
Homer Simpson: I'll sign with whoever can convince Channing Tatum to gain the most weight to play me.
[Newspaper headline: Tatum Receiving Gravy Milkshake Injections]
Mr. Nakamura: Another drink. Something stronger!
bartender: Snake rice wine.
Homer Simpson: That's disgusting. Wine made of rice!
bartender: Try some.
[Home and Mr. Nakamura stumble out of the bar.]
Homer Simpson: Uh ... oh ... why ... oh ... Why didn't I stop with the snake wine? Why did I drink the fish wine?
Mr. Nakamura: That was the aquarium.
Lisa: Want some more smoothie?
Tumi: As long as you load up on the kale and chia.
Bart: No one likes veggie smoothies that much ... or at all! Hmm, something's fishy about that girl, and I'm going to follow her until I find out what.
Carl: Man, I love conventions!
Lenny: Yeah, they're the perfect combination of work and binge drinking.
Homer Simpson: Tell you what? To celebrate your first day of genius school, wadda ya say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?
Homer Simpson: Hey, what are you looking at?
Bart: My ex-girlfriends.
Homer Simpson: Oh, boy, I feel for you. Nobody likes to be rejected, and it never gets easier, until you can drink. Then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk-dialing.
Bart: Mary Spuckler, you're my last chance.
Milhouse: She's pretty cute for Cletus's daughter.
Bart: Yeah, she got to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint.
Lenny: Why do they call this a "yard" of ale?
Carl: Easy. After you drink one, you're passed out in your yard.
Lenny: This is so convenient. I can go straight from doing my civic duty to having a beer with my best friend Carl.
[Carl and Lenny clank their mugs.]
Duff Man: And I can toss back a Duff Sangre de Los Muertos with my best friend, Mexican Duff Man.
Mexican Duff Man: Oh, la!
[Lisa jumps into Homer and Marge's bed.]
Lisa: Can I sleep with you guys tonight?
Marge: Oh, sure you can, sweetie. Just don't make a habit of it.
Homer Simpson: OK, just let me clear some space.
[Home kicks Santa's Little Helper out of the bed, then a TV, then a blender filled with some red liquid, then something that I can't identify, then Marge, who picks up the blender.]
Marge: That's why I've been smelling margaritas at 3 a.m.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I love waking up drunk in the morning.
[Homer drinks the entire contents of the blender.]
Ned Flanders: What a rush! It got my blood pumping in a way I thought only quiet reflection could. Fizzy water for everyone!
Agnes Skinner: I think we can do something a little harder than that! [Holds up cocktail menu. Ned, Marge, Mel, Agnes, Helen and Tim Lovejoy clang their glasses.]
Sideshow Mel: Mmmmmmmm! Now that's a marshmallowey s'morgarita!
Marge: I smell beer. Did you go to Moe's?
Homer Simpson: Oh, every time I have beer on my breath, you assume I've been drinking!
Captain Bowditch: Homer? Lethargy? Skin spots? Spongy gums? This man's got scurvy!
Ned Flanders: But we've only been at sea one day.
Captain Bowditch: When's the last time you had citrus?
Homer Simpson: I had a mimosa at brunch a few years ago.
Apu: Oh young basketball star, I have something special for you: The new 7200-ounce Squishee.
Homer Simpson: If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not an alcoholic — you're an aficionado.