More quotes from The Simpsons: Eating with the Simpsons | Simpsons Eating Hot Dogs | Snacking with the Simpsons | Drinking with the Simpsons | Lunch with the Simpsons | Eating Out with the Simpsons | Cooking with the Simpsons | Meat the Simpsons | Breakfast with the Simpsons
Homer Simpson: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
[Homer whistles and approaches the Kwik-E-Mart's cash register.]
Homer Simpson: Morning Apu.
Apu: Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles. (Gasp!) Wait a minute, these are not sprinkles, sir.
Homer Simpson: Wadda you mean?
Apu: You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.
Homer Simpson: Well, it was like that when I got here, it really was.
Apu: A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangra-la they are, but not here.
Barbara Walters: Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw?
Marge: Well, he would eat all time time. We'd be making love and he'd have a handful of Hershey's miniatures.
Homer Simpson: Krackel was my favorite.
Barbara Walters: Well, Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to reckless criminal behavior.
Marge: He did such crazy things. Roll the clip.
Homer Simpson: Ostrich burgers. Get your ostrich burgers.
Lenny: I'll take one.
Homer Simpson: OK, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
[Lenny points to an ostrich. Homer punches one and ...]
Homer Simpson: Oh, dude. I thought we were friends.
Homer Simpson: The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year, it's up for grabs.
[Lisa and Homer jimmy the candy machine. A heap of year-old candy falls to their feet. Smithers shows up.]
Smithers: Simpson! What in God's name are you
Lisa: Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles? Skittles? Whachamacallit? Twizzlers?
Homer Simpson: They all have hilarious names and are delicious.
Smithers: Well, I am partial to Jolly Ranchers. Good work, Simpson.
Judge Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and call it frosting.
Homer Simpson: What did she say about cupcakes?
Ralph Wiggum: I'm going to eat chocolate 'til I barf!
Bart: When people see all the stuff we did, they're gonna kill us.
Milhouse: Yeah! And I can't run too fast after 15 years of eating nothing but gummy worms. ... I'm gonna quit tomorrow. I swear.
Artie Ziff: When she pressed her lips to his forehead and walked out with Denise and Gary into the warm spring night, she felt that nothing could kill her hope now. Nothing!
Lisa: Ahh, thanks for reading me "The Corrections." It makes me feel better about my own family.
Artie Ziff: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
squeaky-voiced teen: Mr. Simpson, I brought those Twizzlers you asked for.
Homer Simpson: My little girl likes Red Vines! You little ...
[Homer strangles the squeaky-voiced teen with a piece of licorice.]
squeaky-voiced teen: Oh, Mr. Simpson, please stop!
Homer Simpson: You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass. Get outa here!
[The teen runs away, and Homer picks up the box of licorice.]
Homer Simpson: Hey, these are Red Vines!
Homer Simpson: Then came the greatest thrill of my life.
George Harrison: Hello Homer. I'm George Harrison.
Homer Simpson: Oh my God! Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?
George Harrison: Over there. There's a big pile of them.
Homer Simpson: At least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers Pie away from losing my foot to diabetes. Mmmmm .... Snickers Pie!
Homer Simpson: Boy, how come you can't get a new friend?
Bart: What's wrong with the one I got?
Milhouse: I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I remembered correctly, it was a green one.
Homer's brain: Don't eat it, it's been in his ear. Don't eat it, it's been in his ear.
[Santa's Little Helper leaps and grabs the M&M, then holds it on his tongue.]
Homer's brain: Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear in the dog's mouth. Don't eat it.
Marge: Oh, for God's sake!
[Marge takes the M&M off Homer's tongue and puts it back in Milhouse's ear.]
Homer Simpson: Oh my god! She's become a monster. Which I have to admit I sort of suspected during the sex. Now I have to figure out how to change her back ... and replace the M&M's I took from the mini-bar.
[Homer leaves Bart and Lisa in line at the DMV as he goes across the street to Noiseland Arcade for Milhouse's birthday party.]
Homer Simpson: Brought you a gift bag!
Bart: All that's left is banana Runts. That's the worst Runt!
Bart: I guess my search for true love is doomed.
Homer Simpson: You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that it's just hangin' out with someone who kind of hates you but you can't get it together to leave. ... I'll get us some ice cream.
Lisa: Attention goblins: Madison Cube Garden is filled with Butterfinger bars, and people are laying fingers all over them!