More quotes from The Simpsons: Eating with the Simpsons | Simpsons Eating Hot Dogs | Snacking with the Simpsons | Drinking with the Simpsons | Lunch with the Simpsons | Simpsons Eating Candy | Cooking with the Simpsons | Meat the Simpsons | Breakfast with the Simpsons
Ralph Wiggum: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
Moe: Hey Sabu, I need another Magnum, or your best champagne here, eh! And bring us your finest food stuffed with the second finest.
Waiter: Good choice sir, that's lobster stuffed with tacos!
Monty Burns: Oh, General Gau, you're a bloodthirsty foe, but your chicken is delectable.
Barney Gumble: All I wanted to tell you about was this new barbecue joint.
Homer Simpson: Ooooooo barbecue!
Barney Gumble: It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue Pit! Oooo, ooo, I can still taste the sauce between my fingers. And are you ready for this? It's all you can eat!
Homer Simpson: This is like some beautiful dream.
Barney Gumble: Belch!
Homer Simpson: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you: Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.
Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to 6 servings a week.
Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm only human. Now look, here's what we're gonna do. We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night, and then we'll eat until they kick us out of the place. Just like old times!
Voice-over: Like a rib, it tastes like liberty. Like a rib, with a bun of sesame. We start with authentic, letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, till it's good enough for Krusty.
Krusty: Try my new Krusty Ribwich. Mmmm. I don't mind the taste.
Marge: Oooh, a new hamburger sandwich.
Homer Simpson: Wow, I can't wait to pack that into my colon!
Bart: Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods. You're running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart.
Homer Simpson: I've got arm veins, don't I?
Bart: Yes sir.
Ribwich mascot: Hey, hey, the Ribwich is back.
Homer Simpson: (Gasp!) The Ribwich! The commercials have come to pass.
Ribwich mascot: Try the new Ribwich. It's so good you'll croak.
Homer Simpson: You seem like an impartial observer. But I've been fooled by so many people in costumes.
Ribwich mascot: Try the sauce. I'm soaked in it.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I could lick you all day long.
Ribwich mascot: And yet my children think I'm a failure.
Homer Simpson: One Ribwich, please.
squeaky-voiced teen: Uh-huh.
Homer Simpson: ''Now without lettuce.''
[Homer eats Ribwich after Ribwich after Ribwich and then becomes delirious.]
squeaky-voiced teen: Sir, are you all right?
Homer Simpson: I have eaten the ribs of God.
squeaky-voiced teen: Drool clean-up at Register 4.
Homer Simpson: Three Ribwiches, please. And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.
squeaky-voiced teen: I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only.
Homer Simpson: Not again! First you took away my Philly Fudgesteak. And then my Bacon Balls. Then my Whatchamachicken. You monster!
[Lenny and Carl help a sobbing Homer walk toward the Krusty Burger's exit. Then Homer comes running back to the register.]
Homer Simpson: I'd like a large fries please, in a collector's cup.
ribhead: Dude, if you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule.
Homer Simpson: Oh, this is amazing. I could follow the Ribwich from town to town.
ribhead: That's what we do. We're Ribheads.
Homer Simpson: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
ribhead: Well, if you like the Ribwich, not very.
[The ribhead holds up a Ribwich container, which has a warning from Krusty: 'Will cause early death!']
[Skinner holds up Bart's ''Down with Homework'' shirt.]
Seymour Skinner: So, we meet again, Mad Magazine.
Bart: How do you know it's from Mad?
Seymour Skinner: The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong Delta. An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a t-shirt with an iron-on sporting the Mad slogan 'Up with miniskirts!' Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charley to get the drop on us. I spent the next 3 years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right.
[Bart and Lisa go on a bus tour of Randall Curtis's Cosmic Wars Ranch.]
Tour guide: This is the Creature Works, where if you dream it, we can make it. Unless it has too many fingers, which are tough.
Someone: Where's the alien?
Tour guide: Who knows what fantastic creature these two men are creating?
Computer guy: It's a hip-hop loaf of garlic bread for an Olive Garden commercial.
Actor: Yo yo yo, entrees start at $6.95. Offer not good on Sunday, fool.
Chief Wiggum: Remember boys, these are little kids, so take out your tiny batons.
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen. Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you?
Chief Wiggum: You mean the mayor who kept me waiting for 2 hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread! Sit down boys, we're joining this strike!
Officer Lou: Uh, chief, are you sure the mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you?
Chief Wiggum: Well, I can't take that rattlesnake of out his mailbox now, now can I?
Officer Eddie: Yes, chief, you could.
Chief Wiggum: Well, let me ask you this. Shut up.
[Water drips into the living room and chunks of ceiling start to fall down.]
Bart: Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle?
Homer Simpson: I'm taking you all out for tacos!
Lisa: OK, for Malibu Stacy's beach party we've got pita, hoomus, tempe, tofu. What other fun foods do we need?
Homer Simpson: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Bart: Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've gotta get Lisa's present.
Homer Simpson: Watch and learn.
[Homer sprints around the mall's food court, devouring all of the sample trays.]
Homer Simpson: More ... free ... samples!
Bart: Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you're eating men's slacks.
Homer Simpson: Eh, it's still better than Indian food.
Lisa: Howdy partners, my name is Sheriff ... Lisa Simpson. I sure am hungry for my favorite food ... McNuggets.
Lisa: I don't like McNuggets, I'm a vegetarian.
Homer Simpson: Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present.
Lisa: Why, it's my best friend ... Maggie.
Maggie Simpson: Bad news Sheriff ... Lisa Simpson. Some Indians took all the ... McNuggets.
Homer Simpson: Mmmmmm. McNuggets.
Lisa: I've been to Paris and London and Tokyo-town. But one crazy burg has 'em all beat hands-down ... I'm talkin' Springfield. You can buy Chimichangas! Talking Springfield. The chicks have big gazongas? There's tires on fire, a guy named Apu ...
Moe: You know, boxing might be right up your alley.
Homer Simpson: Really?
Moe: Oh please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal.
Homer Simpson: Ohhhhh! Dressing?
Moe: Their. Choice.
Homer Simpson: You work a job you don't like so I'm able to be home with the kids.
Lisa: And you take me places you hate, like museums, plays and The Olive Garden.
Edna Krabappel: Would you like to get some coffee?
Comic Book Guy: And a family bucket of chicken.
Monty Burns: We're ordering out. What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? Who do take me for? Lorenzo De Medici?
Moe: Moe's Tavern, home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular.
Barney Gumble: Whoa, baloney! ... Bread!
Bart: Why do I have to go the the stupid psychiatrist? I told a scary story. Big Deal.
Homer Simpson: Look, boy. Nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause. But the school's paying for five sessions, and there's a Chinese restaurant next door where I can get drunk.
Professor Frink: These wonderful wrinkle-bags are re-living their cherished memories of yesteryear.
Crazy old man: Ah, my first Christmas. Such great Chinese food!
Marge: What are you going to spend your money on, kids?
Bart: There's a special on tacos down at the Taco Mat. Hundred tacos for $100. I'm gonna get that.
Lisa: I'm going to contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
Marge: Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing your money away like that. You're both coming downtown with me and you're going to put that money in the bank.
[They walk by the Taco Mat.]
Bart: Boy I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.
[Comic Book Guy walks out of Taco Mat with a wheelbarrow full of tacos.]
Comic Book Guy: Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.
[After Krusty is caught cheating on his taxes, the IRS garnishes his wages and takes control of his businesses. A construction crew at Krusty Burger replaces the Krusty Burger sign with an IRS Burger sign.]
Homer Simpson: Um ... I'll have four taxburgers, one IRSwich — withhold the lettuce — three dependent-size sodas and a FICAccino.
squeaky-voiced teen: Fill out Schedule B. You should receive your burgers in 6 to 8 weeks.
Marge: Homer, send these people home. This housewarming party's been going on for two days.
Moe: You can't throw us out. I just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. ... Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam? ... Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?
Homer Simpson: Dear lord, as I think of you dressed in white with your splendid beard, I am reminded of Colonel Sanders, who is now seated at your right hand, shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth. Lord, could you come up with a delicious news taste treat like he did? I command you.
[Homer closes his eyes and claps his hands, and his car swerves into oncoming traffic. A hot fudge truck overturns, flooding the road, and then a Johnny Bench's Pre-cooked Bacon truck smashes into it. A piece of fudge-coated bacon lands on Homer's windshield, and he grabs it and takes a bite.]
Homer Simpson: Mmmm. Move over, eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend fudge.
[Homer pushes a shopping cart while reading Marge's shopping list.]
Homer Simpson: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people.
Bart: I need this candy for school. Candy class.
Homer Simpson: Well, OK, but get five bags in case we eat four on the way home.
Lisa: My teacher said I need cupcakes. Cupcakes to learn.
Homer Simpson: In the cart.
Bart: I'm out of wine.
Homer Simpson: Cart.
Lisa: We need these because we have to ...
[Lisa and Bart each throw two handfuls of various snacks in the cart.]
[Homer hold up a 6-pack of Duff.]
Homer Simpson: My doctor says and my garage mechanic agrees that ...
Bart: In the cart.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! You know, I always felt sorry for Marge having to do the shopping. But this is kind of fun!
[Homer knocks a whole shelf of food into the cart.]
Bart: Yeah, I wish Maggie had to go to the emergency room more often.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
Seymour Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
[Chalmers enters and puts a bottle of wine on the table. Skinner walks into the kitchen to see smoke billowing from the oven. He opens the oven, and the roast bursts into flames.]
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yegods, my roast is ruined!
[Skinner looks out the kitchen window at the Krusty Burger across the street.]
Seymour Skinner: But what if ... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho ho ho ho ... delightfully devlish, Seymour.
[Skinner begins to climb out the window but stops when Chalmers enters the kitchen.]
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour!
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I was just ... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?
Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, that isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmmm, steamed clams.
[Skinner runs aross the street to Krusty Burger, and returns to the dining room with a tray of hamburgers.]
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendent Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Seymour Skinner: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.
Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?
Seymour Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Seymour Skinner: Uhh ... Upstate New York.
Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'
Seymour Skinner: Oh, not in Utica. No, it's an Albany expression.
Superintendent Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers bites into a steamed ham.]
Superintendent Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Seymour Skinner: Oh ho ho, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendent Chalmers: For steamed hams ...
Seymour Skinner: Yes ...
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
Seymour Skinner: You know I— One thing I sh— Excuse me for one second.
[Skinner walks into the kitchen and returns to the dining room.]
Seymour Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be— Good lord, what is happening in there?
Seymour Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Seymour Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Seymour Skinner: No
Agnes Skinner: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Seymour Skinner: No, Mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.
Marge: Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll
Homer Simpson: Hmmm, no line, near the men's room. I see no reason to question your choice.
Bart: Smooth move, Mom. Tricking Dad into having lunch at the one place that doesn't serve beer.
Homer Simpson: What the? Then I want to eat at ... Moe's Express.
[Speaking to pimply-faced teen and two other bartenders.]
Moe: By "express," I mean that you express your anger and hatred.
Marge: The last time you ate there, you spend three nights in the mall jail.
Homer Simpson: That was last week, and you're still bringing it up!
Nelson: With the money I'm making, I can treat my mom the way she deserves.
Nelson's Mom: This place is so fancy. The ketchup packets are made of glass!
Homer Simpson: Mmm, good mac and cheese.
Lenny: I've had better. Down at the train station.
Guy at the train station: The best mac and cheese I've ever had is at a bowling alley in Ogdenville.
Homer Simpson: Hmmm ... I am pretty full.
Guy at the train station: Breadcrumbs on the top!
Homer Simpson: I'm on my way!
Seymour Skinner: Our class trip to Italy is now spaghetti night at Papa John's. And your $1500 deposits will not be refunded.
Homer Simpson: Oooh, Papa John's!
Homer Simpson: Hello everyone.
Marge: Homey, what happened to you?
Homer Simpson: I overslept, lost my cell phone, missed my flight—
Maggie Simpson: Why didn't you call us?
Homer Simpson: All the payphones at the airport were replaced by self-serve yogurt. I had all the cookie dough toppings a man could want.
Bart: So many cookies will never be born!
Marge: Why don't we have any couples friends?
Homer Simpson: Because couples friends are a myth, started by restaurants with tables for 4.
Homer Simpson: What IS your problem boy?
Bart: Maybe when I got a dad who shows up in the morning with no shirt on and rocks on his face, it sets, I dunno, a low bar?
Homer Simpson: Wow, I gotta take that in. While I do, have some bar nuts!
Bart: Aren't those full of germs?
Homer Simpson: Eat the nuts, they're your dinner!
[Homer pulls up to the Krusty Burger drive-through.]
squeaky-voiced teen: Can I take your order??
Homer Simpson: Nothing for me today, I've ... got a class to teach!
squeaky-voiced teen: Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.
[Homer is searching for Bart and Lisa.]
Carl: Hey Homer, we'll definitely help you, but you're gonna have to wait.
Lenny: We just ordered a pie for the bar.
[Homer pulls out Moe's gun and shoots the pizza.]
Carl: What'd you do that for?
Barney Gumble: Yeah! It took us 45 minutes to choose a topping.
Lenny: We decided on Cheese.
[Home and Lisa are building a Lego model of Springfield.]
Lisa: Our little Springfield is really turning out great! City Hall, the weird-smelling bank, Rehab World.
Homer Simpson: Krusty Burger, Krusty Burger Express, the Krusty Burger where the governor got stabbed.
Marge: "The Japanese Warrior Monks' Guide to Tidying Up." Woo, a best seller! And no one goes to heaven.
Homer Simpson: Marge, you don't buy books at a car wash. Woooo, sushi!
Marge: OK, I read this whole book while your father was hospitalized for food poisoning ...
Homer Simpson: That must be Moe's brother and sister.
Bart: They don't look ugly like Moe. But I'm still feeling the ugly.
Lisa: That one's eating Chinese food with scissors!